Your endless scrolling on TikTok could be ruining your relationship

Not tonight, babe, I’m on TikTok. 

If you’re a millennial or Gen-Z in a relationship, one of you probably uses TikTok. For many of us in romantic relationships, the app has infiltrated the bedroom and has replaced dinner table conversations, driving us and our partners apart in the process. 

The short-form video platform has taken the digital world by storm. Its monthly active user count is predicted to reach 834.3 million this year, and it has had a fast climb to dominance in the social media scene, having doubled(Opens in a new tab) its user base between 2019 and 2021 —t’s the most popular app downloaded globally(Opens in a new tab).

Social media has undoubtedly worked its way into our most intimate relationships, and our use of social media can be make or break for many of us. It can connect us with new potential partners, or help us rekindle old flames. But for anyone who isn’t a keen TikTok user, and who loves someone who is, the app’s intrusive nature is increasingly presenting challenges in our love lives.

When TikTok intrudes on real life.

For Natalie, a 22 year old who lives with her boyfriend, she realised his TikTok use was having a severe impact on their relationship when built up frustrations turned into struggles in the bedroom.

“I was so fed up from doing chores around the house and all I could hear were TikTok audios.”

Natalie’s boyfriend would spend hours on end staring at his phone as he swiped his way through his For You Page (FYP). “It’s caused arguments for us because I was so fed up from doing chores around the house and all I could hear were TikTok audios. It turned out he was happy to do his share of chores but couldn’t recognise my frustration because he was so engrossed in TikTok videos and continuous scrolling.”

The auditory aspect of TikTok is a key part of what makes it so distracting for anyone who can overhear the user’s For You page. For some people who experience auditory sensory issues, the constant loops of TikTok audios can be a trigger for their anxiety or overstimulation.

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Lucy lives with her partner and has ADHD. “Whenever I hear TikTok loops going on in the background, I start to feel tense and agitated. They’re really irritating unless you’re the one watching them, so I often ask my boyfriend to wear headphones when he’s using TikTok.”

What arguably makes TikTok so unique is the vastness and specificity of the content it shows each user. Its algorithm curates a FYP that is entirely customised, and whilst not every video will be relevant or of interest, the chance of seeing one that is very soon keeps us scrolling. The curated nature of our FYP taps into the app’s ability to predict and learn our interests and aspects of our identity, even before we know they are one.

What TikTok use reveals about us.

Kitty Winks, author of The Little Book of Ick, ended a relationship when her boyfriend’s TikTok use gave her the ick. “One night, he opened up his TikTok while I was sitting next to him. All of the videos on his FYP (which he was frantically trying to swipe past) were all of very young-looking women in swimwear. When he saw that I had clocked this, he went on to comment on how he was probably going to delete TikTok as it only shows him videos like this, clearly not understanding quite how tailored the algorithm is, or how it works. I could never quite see him in the same way after that!” They broke up.

TikTok use can even be a red flag that can reveal deeper issues that might arise within a romantic relationship. Lucy Macieira, the relationships blogger behind the London Dating Chronicles(Opens in a new tab), feels TikTok overuse is a red flag in a partner. “If a partner or someone I was intimate with was using TikTok as a news source or entertainment outlet, to me it just validates their inability to pick up a book and expand their consciousness. More alarmingly, if anyone I am pursuing is TikTok-obsessed, I fear their brain has become hard-wired to expect immediate, dopamine-boosted experiences, and how could I possibly ever trust someone with such lack of mind discipline with the most precious part of me, my heart?” Of course, not everyone will necessarily share this view.

“There are times where she can hear me doing something around the house and instead of offering help you just hear the scroll of TikTok instead.”

For couples living together, excessive TikTok use can lead to unequal burdens of housework being taken on by one person. Harry, a 26 year old who has been with his partner for three years has shared similar feelings of imbalance in their relationship, with unequal TikTok use being the primary factor in this. “There are times where she can hear me doing something around the house and instead of offering help you just hear the scroll of TikTok instead.”

“Or when something needs to be done and it’s ‘just five more TikToks and I’ll get up and we can do it.’ But that’s inevitably 20+ more TikToks.”

Accommodating each other’s TikTok habits.

It’s not that our partners are to blame. This doesn’t necessarily make them selfish, lazy, or rude. They’re simply falling victim to an app’s intelligent and intentional design. The platform works on the basis of random reinforcement, much like a gambling slot machine(Opens in a new tab). By offering the user a rewarding video every so often, it keeps us hooked scrolling, hypnotically anticipating the next hit. Recent research by Digiday found that users spend an average of 46 minutes(Opens in a new tab) on the app per day, opening it eight times daily, with them watching upwards of 180 videos per day. 

For couples, this trance-like state makes our partners increasingly absent, putting us in a hopeless fight for their attention. Psychologist Charlotte Armitage, and creator of the No Phones At Home Day(Opens in a new tab) campaign, believes that overuse of our TikTok is making it harder for couples to detect silent cues which we use in our relationships to show our partner what we need, and causing tension in the process. 

“We are all communicating our needs on a multitude of levels, without being consciously aware of it, others then respond to those needs naturally. When we are engrossed in our phones, we miss out on those elements of communication that can help us to connect or learn about our partners or friends and it is unhealthy for a relationship,” says Armitage.

TikTok has become a primary factor in shaping pop culture moments that define our times. But for partners who aren’t huge users, this can lead to feelings of exclusion. For Harry, TikTok has driven a widening wedge between him and his partner. “I feel incredibly out of the cultural loop because there’s all these short-lived sounds and memes that she references to me that go totally over my head, or that I only partially understand from half-hearing them when she’s scrolling.”

“Sometimes we sit in bed scrolling separately or sometimes will both just look at one of our phones.”

However, not all couples are fighting over TikTok. For some, it offers a new way for them to connect, and spend time together that doesn’t require spending any money. Jasmin, age 22, has been with her husband since 2017. “Sometimes we sit in bed scrolling separately or sometimes will both just look at one of our phones. We both like doing separate activities together (like me reading a book whilst he does a crossword) so TikTok kind of fits the bill for that.”

But it is possible to repair the damage done by excessive social media use. “Setting boundaries and restrictions on device use, having open and honest conversations about the issue, and encouraging loved ones to participate in other activities and hobbies they enjoy can all be useful in supporting family members who may be suffering from social media and phone addiction. If the problem continues, it may be useful to seek out expert assistance,” says Abdullah Boulad, behavioural expert and CEO of addiction rehabilitation centre The Balance(Opens in a new tab).

Chris Pleines, dating expert from datingscout.com(Opens in a new tab) recommends having a gadget basket. “Prepare a basket and place it in the corner of your living room. Ask your partner (or family members) to ‘deposit’ their phones in the basket while you are having dinner, watching a movie, or doing any family/couple activity. This way, you create a habit of not depending on your gadgets while becoming more present with your partners.”

“Before adopting this practical tip,” he adds. “Ensure that you have effectively communicated the importance of being present and engaged in the moment. This deepens your bond and strengthens your connection even more.”

When it comes to any issue in a relationship, communication is key. Voicing your concerns and meeting in the middle can ensure that we strike a balance between being fully present offline, and enjoying our digital lives too.