Wild parenting advice from the first man to win a paternity leave suit

By Jerry Cammarata2018-10-18 10:00:00 UTC

Welcome to , an ongoing series at Mashable that looks at how to take care of – and deal with – the kids in your life. Because Dr. Spock is nice and all, but it’s 2018 and we have the entire internet to contend with.

If the problems of parenting have got you down, you might seek comfort in knowing the animal kingdom has very similar problems, and you are in good company in the most expansive sense. 

As the first father in this country to receive paternity leave more than 45 years ago, my book, The Fun Book of Fatherhood, is a call-to-action to establish gender equality in the workplace and the home, encourage a national discussion on the subject of the family, pass national paid family leave legislation, and be ever mindful of what I call “fast family forward.” But it’s also a fun primer on parenting, using the animal kingdom as a learning tool. Let’s be honest, there are worse places to turn to for advice.  

Did you know that when you extend your open arms to your frightened child that alligators and fish do the same thing with their mouths when providing their young with places of comfort and safety?  Or that when you hold your child on your lap for emotional bonding, you are doing the same thing orangutans do, when they engage in grooming? That’s a good thing.

Of course, your job would be much easier if your child was a baby porcupine.

I’m sure your child has accused you of being a bad parent when you didn’t give in to a temper tantrum, or when you stood by and watched him struggle with a task rather than offer a helping hand. Be at ease. The monkey community regularly sees its young as too needy, requiring immediate gratification. Monkey parents are too smart to give in – they just walk away. There is no reinforcing the temper tantrum, and it becomes a less desirable behavior, no longer a useful social tool.

Be mindful also of the otter, which is the only animal of the sea to use tools. A little otter must have watched a hundred times the way its mother took a rock and rapped the abalone smartly on the side until it let go. The otter tries and cannot get it right time and time again. But finally, it will discover its own strategy, embrace it, and will have found a tool for a lifetime.

Even that filthy old comfort blanket that your child won’t let go; think of the young sea otter again. When its mother is away, the otter wraps itself in a little blanket of kelp, and waits until she comes home. No different than your child with her blanket.

Without you, your children would find it impossible to reach important physical, as well as psycho-social milestones needed to grow in body and mind. Of course, your job would be much easier if your child was a baby porcupine. The baby porcupine would get up right after birth, and follow its mom immediately and be self-sufficient. If you gave birth to a crocodile, the baby would find food immediately after hatching, and eat by itself. Think about the mouse, which is born deaf and blind. Yet, the baby mouse can find its mother’s nipple.

You will be a good parent many more times than a bad one.

The nature of parenting is that parents will never be sufficiently appreciated, but if you take the time to allow your children to experience the world alongside you, you may be pleasantly surprised. You will be a good parent many more times than a bad one. And when those children are grown, they will give you the satisfaction of knowing that they truly benefited from your parenting.

From one parent to another, there are a few constants that I’d like to share with you that I think are worth having in your parental toolbox: 

1. Be a learner with your child.  Have your child teach you what she is learning in school.

2. If you share in your child’s experiences, he’ll be much more inclined to share in yours as an adult, including chores such as cleaning his room. To reinforce this, you can go to the zoo, and witness with your child how some animals take care of their dens.

3. In our changing world of family, all the adults in the home should regard chores as no longer gender specific. If we are to encourage our children to be all that they want to be, they must see us as adults in action, not hampered by the old rules of gender. 

4. Give your children a sense of appreciation for the world around them: its rich cultural diversity, an education born out of enlightenment, and examples of human behavior worthy of emulation.

5. Be unafraid of admitting defeat to your child.  Stress what you will do differently next time. Remember, the lion hunts and is not successful all the time. But, with each hunt, the lion’s skills improve.

6. Be a parent who truly speaks and acts in the way you expect to be spoken to. Like it or not, our children focus on our behavior.  And as we know, behavior begets behavior. It’s an animal thing!

7. Parenting today is influenced by a barrage of social media, much of which can be confusing, provocative, or even a little crazy.  A good way to counteract these effects would be to think deeply and seriously when issues arise, and try to engage in lots of intergenerational discussion. In the end discover the authentic animal in you, which will make you a great parent. 

Jerry Cammarata was the first father in the United States to sue for and win paternity leave from the New York City Board of Education in 1973. He is author of The Fun Book of Fatherhood.

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