WikiLeaks doesn’t want you to say Julian Assange lives in a cupboard ‘under the stairs’

For the love of god, please stop saying that Julian Assange lives in a cupboard under the stairs. WikiLeaks is warning you. 

The self-described “media organization and associated library” is fed up, and is not going to take it anymore. In a Jan. 6 “confidential” email sent to members of the press, WikiLeaks railed against “falsehoods” spread by “media competitors, click-bait sites, [and] political party loyalists” regarding the organization and its publisher, Julian Assange. And so, to set the record straight, the non-profit provided a list of 140 statements that you in no way should say about WikiLeaks or Assange. 

Naturally, the list leaked. And oh boy, it’s a doozy. Journalist Emma Best published the full WikiLeaks email on her blog, and the so-called “defamatory falsehoods” contained therein are quite a thing to behold.

Take, for example, this very normal statement: “It is false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange lives, or has ever lived, in a basement, cupboard or under the stairs.”

But before we dive too deeply into what you definitely shouldn’t say about WikiLeaks or Assange, it’s worth noting that after the email was published by Best, Best reports that WikiLeaks went ahead and publicly released an edited version — with some of the more absurd statements removed — perhaps in response to the widespread scorn the initial compendium of banned statements elicited. 

Like, for example, jokes comparing Assange to Harry Potter. 

Or the incredulous response to WikiLeaks’ claim that it is “false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange stinks.”

Some other gems from the version of the WikiLeaks email published by Best:

It is false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange does not use cutlery or does not wash his hands.

It is false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange has ever walked into embassy meeting rooms in his underwear.

It is false and defamatory to suggest that Ecuador asked Julian Assange to improve his hygiene.

It is false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange has ever played soccer or used a skateboard during week days or office hours at the embassy.

It is false and defamatory to suggest that WikiLeaks or Julian Assange has ever published, uttered or tried to promote a “conspiracy theory”.

Notably, echoing Best, Reuters reported on Jan. 6 that the initial email contained “140 different ‘false and defamatory’ statements” — providing support for Best’s claim that the version later released by WikiLeaks (which does not contain 140 statements) was edited. 

So, whatever you do, do not say that Julian Assange is an underwear-sporting stink boy that eats with his hands and rides his skateboard to his cupboard home while uttering conspiracy theories. 

Just don’t do it. It would be false and defamatory. WikiLeaks has warned you.