Who tech execs would be on ‘Game of Thrones’

Turns out, Westerosi elite and tech executives have a lot in common. 

Both control the flow of information and social structures. And like the powerful everywhere, neither group should exist without a good old-fashioned ribbing, because satire, uh, helps shine a light and all that fun stuff! 

Which is why, halfway through the last season of Game of Thrones, we have determined to better understand our lords and ladies of ye olde Silicon Valley by figuring out which Game of Thrones character they most embody.

These comparisons focus on the Thrones characters’ power, histories, and traits and how those factors match up with their C-Suite counterparts. They aren’t based on how the individual characters and tech executives relate to other figures in their respective worlds. Not everyone is a perfect match. We’re painting with broad strokes here.

With only three episodes left of Thrones, and our faith in the tech world crumbling just like our faith in the Thrones writers, how could we not do a little creative pairing?

In no particular order, here’s who tech executives would be, if they were Game of Thrones characters.

Mark Zuckerberg is the Night King.

He’s inscrutable, he’s always looking to extend his kingdom, and he may soon rule over vast hordes of the dead. Yep, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg could only be the Night King. Before the Battle of Winterfell, many tried to ascribe more reasonable motives for the Night King’s murderous march on Westeros. But it turned out he just wanted to conquer the world for conquering’s sake. Zuckerberg has tried to get us all to believe he wants more for Facebook beyond high user numbers. But his awkward interviews, uncomfortable efforts to be relatable, and lack of clarity and meaningful action to better Facebook in a way that does more than help the company’s bottom line, have showed a ruthlessness worthy of an 8,000-year-old zombie.

To top it off, Zuck’s turned us all into mindlessly scrolling zombies already.

Bill Gates is Ned Stark

Bill Gates, the tech pioneer turned international do-gooder, and general affable guy, reminds of Ned Stark. Gates legacy lives on in the tech world, and Stark’s lives on in Westeros, for better and for worse. The war he raged with Robert Baratheon only led to more war, while the orphan he saved from certain death (Jon Snow) is trying to do good in a world full of bad. Gates has a strong moral compass, and though — like axe-swinging Ned — he was often ruthless in his time, his impact has been everlasting.

Jeff Bezos is Cersei Lannister

Listen, you don’t get to sit on the Iron Throne or be the richest person the world has ever seen by being NICE. Cersei and Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos both hold immense amounts of power and wealth, and it’s thanks to the ruthlessness with which they run their worlds. Jeff Bezos and his organization are notorious for merciless business acquisitions and working employees to the bone. Cersei “Hang the World” Lannister sat out the battle against the Night King. Unlike Bezos’ contemporaries, have you seen the Amazon CEO get hauled in to testify before Congress recently? Didn’t think so.

Jack Dorsey is Brann Stark

Brann and Jack Dorsey are both sitting on a wealth of human knowledge, but are largely unhelpful when it comes to solving the world’s problems. Much like Dorsey’s continued tolerance of the encroaching presence of Nazis on Twitter, Brann let the White Walkers come to him, with not much of a plan to stop them. Brann also has that supernatural creep factor goin’ on. And Dorsey’s naturopath tendencies are giving us Brann vibes.

Dara Khosrowshahi is Daenerys Targaryen

Dara and Dany are peas in a pod. Khosrowshahi may not be as well known as the dragon queen, but they could exchange some serious tips about how to deal with other people’s problems. 

Both leaders have been dealt a rotten hand: Khosrowshahi came into Uber to undo the damage caused by Travis Kalanick, and Daenerys tried to conquer the world, only to have to deal with slavery, entitled fuccbois, and, most recently the freaking undead. They both have to come in and clean up other people’s messes. And sure, that might be for the good of society/Uber, but don’t underestimate their quest for power: all of that Uber damage control has ultimately led to an IPO expected to ooze money, and Dany’s ultimate goal is still the Iron Throne. 

Susan Wojcicki is Jon Snow

Speaking of massive problems you might not be equipped to handle, we had to pair up YouTube’s CEO with erstwhile hero/dumbass Jon Snow. For those unfamiliar, Wojcicki was one of Google’s earliest employees, and in 2014 she proposed and oversaw the acquisition of YouTube, of which she is now the CEO. Jon was raised in the Stark clan, but went off on his own to Castle Black and the lands beyond the wall to make a name for himself. 

In (sort of) striking out on their own, the pair both took on problems they weren’t expecting. Jon’s attempts to secure the North led to him delivering a dragon to the Night King, allowing for the breach of the Seven Kingdoms by Death itself. Wojcicki bought YouTube and greatly expanded Google’s advertising reach, but Google’s algorithmic megapower helped turn YouTube into a breeding ground for extremism. If only Wojcicki had an Arya Stark of her own.

Steve Jobs is Robb Stark

Before Jon Snow was running amok in the North, Robb was trying to forge a new, better world. Imagine if Robb’s hubris had not gotten in the way of those dreams, and we could’ve had a Stark in charge, sooner?! Jobs also sought to remake the world with his vision for simple, unified design and, of course, the iPhone; still, his volatile brand of leadership often earned him enemies. 

Of course, Jobs and Robb are not a perfect match: Jobs died tragically of cancer while Robb died of thinking with his penis. But they were both revolutionary innovators — passionate firebrands — who we wish were still with us.

Tim Cook is Sansa Stark

Sansa, the on-and-off-again leader of Winterfell, has a lot in common with Jobs’ one-time underling and ultimate successor as Apple CEO, Tim Cook. Sansa and Cook are leaders who think in the long-term. While the Jon Snows of the world are waging battles for honor, she’s thinking about how to feed the troops; while Dany helps secure the North, Sansa is wondering about what happens after the war. 

Cook has had to transform Apple after the Jobs era by playing a long game. With more competition than ever in the booming smartphone market, Apple cannot necessarily compete and dominate like it once did. Cook has had to diversify Apple’s offerings, sometimes make controversial decisions, and play nice with people he might rather not, in order to secure Apple’s future.

Travis Kalanick is Littlefinger

Unsavory figures populate both Silicon Valley and Westeros, and two characters who are both thankfully on the outs are Uber founder Travis Kalanick and Littlefinger, aka Lord Baelish. Kalanick may be a dick, but — much like Littlefinger’s machinations to turn the Starks and Lannisters against each other — he certainly did a whole lot of disrupting. The pair have also finally reaped what they sewed: Kalanick got ousted from Uber in 2017, and is currently being sidelined at the bell ringing for Uber’s IPO (though he’ll still make bank), while Littlefinger got his throat cut by the Starks.

Peter Thiel is Tywin Lannister

Every power structure has its puppet master, and the people behind the curtain in Silicon Valley and Westeros are quite the doozy. Until he was executed on the toilet, Tywin Lannister used his immense wealth and connections to run shit in Westeros — he just didn’t like to take the credit. Like Tywin, Thiel also had his heyday, but Thiel now operates as a powerful investor, destroyer of empires, and cultivator of leaders. Tywin might be gone from Westeros, but we very much still feel the presence of both men.

Sheryl Sandberg is Tyrion Lannister

Another behind-the-scenes player is the Hand of the King, or as they call it in the C-Suite, the COO. Sandberg has long been known as a power broker and decision maker at Facebook. She was the grown-up with experience brought in to help Facebook make money. Tyrion is a strategic thinker who exerts influence at the highest levels. His motivations may be altruistic, but it sure feels good to wear that brooch.

Jaime Lannister is Sundar Pichai

Do you think both men lay awake at night, thinking, “don’t be evil”? Jaime and Google CEO Sundar Pichai are just two guys with conflicted legacies trying to make the best of this messy world. Pichai may have presided over Google when it did away with its famed “Don’t be evil” credo and defended Google’s questionable work with China, but he has also helped put in place privacy and workplace reforms; he at least appears to be trying to do right by the people (in some respects). Jaime started this journey by pushing a child out the window and has gone back to Cersei in the midst of her evil ways again and again, but now he fights for the living. When you’re dealt a morally mottled hand, can you be good?

Evan Spiegel is Bronn

Listen, both of these guys are kind of dicks, but at least they’re honest about being out for the money, and themselves — and have been continually screwed over by more powerful people because of it. With his flashy lifestyle and generally dickish behavior, Evan Spiegel rivals Ser Bronn of the Blackwater — whose allegiance is pliable — as kind of your basic asshole.

Still, we’ve gotta show these boys some respect. Bronn is funny as hell and a badass fighter. Spiegel stood up for Snapchat when Facebook tried to buy it out and also (along with some help from Reggie Brown) invented the concept of ephemerality — which Facebook and Instagram outright stole. Sadly, just like Bronn’s castle, Snapchat’s value proposition keeps getting taken away. These bros who we begrudgingly respect just keep getting screwed over by the bigger guns. Maybe Spiegel can lend Bronn a castle.

Elon Musk is Tormund

Let’s get this out of the way: Tormund Giantsbane, leader of wildlings and suckler of giant teats, is BETTER than Elon Musk. But the two do share some similarities. They’re both ferocious leaders more than willing to fight for what’s theirs. They take on massive, Goliath enemies, whether it’s the whole car industry or the Wall. And most importantly of all, their claims, their dreams, and everything about them, is pretty freaking batshit. In a great way.

Is Westeros starting to sound a lot like Silicon Valley? Yeah, the show really *is* about human nature! 

Oh, and, in case you were wondering. Arya is no one. Get it?