How to orgasm: Why feeling safe is the ultimate ingredient

Enter the scene: You’re about to get it on. The sexy playlist is covered. But what about feelings of emotional safety?

“He’s definitely doing a good job; why am I not flying off the face of Earth from a shatteringly delicious orgasm yet?” – Me, too many times. Perhaps you’ve been there too: They’re hitting all the right spots and you’re really close, but something’s amiss. The logical brain says your eyes should be rolling back from pleasure right about now, but alas, your body knows something the mind doesn’t. 

So, what’s the deal? He knows how to do that perfect fluttery thing with his tongue – shouldn’t that be enough! Sheesh. The thing is, so much of really delicious sex comes down to feeling safe. And if that’s missing, it can be tricky to achieve that oh-so velvety orgasm.

Assuming we’ve caught your attention, here’s why feeling safe is the ultimate ingredient for a wildly good orgasm.

Sexual skill is important, but…

… A well-calculated rub can’t always cut it. Whether aware or completely in denial, a lack of emotional safety – even subtly– can thwart our pleasure. Combine that with the fact that some people try to work the clitoris like an aggressive techno DJ set, and it becomes a bonafide (or rather, boner-fied?) mission to find someone who checks all the boxes. The orgasm gap(Opens in a new tab) in cis-gendered heterosexual sex is real, where men climax substantially more than women. One study(Opens in a new tab) proved this concept after surveying over 100 heterosexual couples.

Lena Elkhatib, a sex and relationships therapist who founded Essentia Therapy(Opens in a new tab), explains: “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” The TLDR version is, there’s a whole lot going on behind the scenes. “When we feel unsafe, our brains are on high alert, attuned and ready to respond to any threats. It puts us in a heightened state of anxiety, keeping us alert,” Elkhatib concludes.

If you find yourself spectatoring(Opens in a new tab) during sex – focusing on yourself from a third party perspective rather than the sensations or your partner – you’re holding yourself back. Maybe you’re just not that into them… or maybe your mind is simply a chronic wanderer. Either way: An orgasm is a surrender to pleasure, and that includes tuning into the moment. I can’t think of a sexier waving of the white flag. Emotional safety is easier said than done, though. Sometimes it takes a bit of psychological introspection to figure out how to get out of our heads, and down into ahem places that make the magic happen.

Where feelings of unsafety might come from

Say it again louder for the people in the back: Comfort is a vital component in letting the undulating waves of pleasure sweep you off into the wonderscape that is O-Land. You might even think, “I am comfortable” – but there’s something disruptive going on subconsciously. Feelings of unsafety (both conscious and unconscious) can arise from a broad variety of causes: Toxic relationships; abusive, critical, or judgmental partners; embedded sexual shame; past traumatic experiences; or risky sex, such as not using contraception or condoms. 

Want more sex and dating stories in your inbox? Sign up for Mashable’s new weekly After Dark newsletter.

How is it possible to think we feel safe, but actually don’t? Well, tons of us are out here living in our heads (myself included, working on it) while neglecting bodily signs. Elkhatib elaborates: “We may not always be aware that we are feeling unsafe, especially in cases of chronic trauma in which lack of safety becomes the baseline. Our bodies don’t lie, so if you feel uneasy or anxious during sex, it’s probably a good idea to do a self check-in.” Put yourself first here.

Trusting that gut feeling is everything. I don’t care how sexy they are; if something in your body is shouting ‘red flag’, don’t ignore it. And if you communicate discomfort to a partner who then disregards your feelings – that’s basically an entire dump truck full of red flags.

Elkhatib continues, “If you feel unsafe but aren’t able to put your finger on why, sex therapy can be a great way to get to the bottom of that. Bottom line is, if your body is refusing to ‘let go’ of control in order to have an orgasm, stop and listen to what it’s trying to tell you.” As much as we might believe it to be possible, we simply can’t out-think the body’s natural reactions. We just have to pause, tune in better, and dig a little deeper to understand.

The science behind the psychology of an orgasm

It turns out I’m not the only one practically shouting from rooftops about this concept. There’s science (and presumably some pros wearing lab coats) to back it up. One study(Opens in a new tab) set out to investigate whether orgasmic pleasure depends more on psychological or physical factors, ultimately discovering climaxing is “more related to cognitive-affective than sensory aspects of the orgasm experience”. Grab a megaphone with me and proclaim it to the world: Feelings of emotional safety are a game changer in the sheets.

By contrast, when we perceive a threat, the body basically goes “yeah, not today” and dumbs down the ability to stimulate genital arousal. Aliyah Moore, a sex therapist at Sexual Alpha(Opens in a new tab), an adult toy shop and educational website, breaks it down: “Sexual desire and orgasm are affected by the brain and nervous system, which affect the sex glands and genitals. The parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us stay calm, also stimulates genital arousal and orgasm as well as enhanced skin sensitivity and responsiveness to touch.” It’s a real make or break situation. 

How to build a connection where sensory takeover feels safe 

You might lock eyes in a crowded bar and immediately feel a deep, magnetic lure. Like most of us at some point, I too have misinterpreted lust for a deeper connection. And sometimes it still works wonderfully, but it’s not as sustainable. Depthful connection and emotional safety is built over time. Whether you’re looking like a heart-eyed emoji over a new lover or trying to deepen trust with your long term partner, there are ways to foster a comfortable, safe environment to enable an even deeper sensory takeover – or rather, bomb AF orgasms.

It starts with how we communicate. Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist and sex educator at Zumio(Opens in a new tab), encourages consistent communication: “When we discuss stuff, we stay connected. When we don’t and assume people know how we feel, what we want, or anything else – it’s a recipe for not feeling close or safe with our partners.” 

Spill those sexy beans! And get a little introspective while you’re at it – mindful sex is where it’s at. Tuning into the sensations and listening to our bodies gives us a much more full-bodied experience of pleasure. “Reflect on what creates safety for you. If you don’t know what helps you to feel safe, it’s going to be hard for your partner to give that to you. Take time to write it down and talk to your partner(s) about it – ideally, they do the same!” Wright adds. 

Emotional connection starts before the bedroom

But you know what really gets me going? Emotional connection before sex is even on the table. Feeling understood fosters trust outside of the bedroom, plus attraction slowly brewing on top – well, that’s hot – as the iconic Paris Hilton would say. Moving slow can be so damn sexy.

David Tzall, an NYC-based psychologist(Opens in a new tab), explains why this can be such a positive scenario: “Emotional connection is built in small acts of kindness throughout life. Someone remembering to pick up their partner’s shoes because it is important to them may bring closeness, as the person feels heard and seen for their needs. If couples want more emotional closeness in the bedroom, it needs to start completely outside of it.” Kindness is a beautiful thing – whether you’ve been dating for years or you wound up in bed together at 4 am after a rowdy night out. 

Remember, folks: It’s all about the journey, not the destination.