How BDSM helped me deal with sexual trauma

When we’re asked what looking after our mental health looks like, most of us recite the same answer by rote. Talking therapy, medication for those who need it, and then that nebulous concept of “self care,” which nowadays means anything from journaling to eating well to buying expensive candles. But the reality is that no one’s mental health journey is going to look the same. Each person’s brain, trauma, and way of navigating the world is different and, as a result, individuals have long adopted more personalised ways of staying on top of their mental health, whether it’s exercise for stress or ice cold baths for anxiety. But for some, mental healing can come from a more unexpected place: the latex and leather of BDSM.

How BDSM helped me deal with sexual trauma

While I never thought it would work out this way, this has even been the case for me. Following a sexual assault in 2018 which happened on a busy street, one I still often pass, I found myself withdrawing from sex – feeling hugely disconnected from my body and partners, swallowing down the feeling of not wanting to be touched, counting down the time until any sexual encounter would stop in my head and sometimes crying uncontrollably afterwards. Even now, there are still times when I find intimacy so tough that I dissociate. For anyone who’s not sure what “dissociation” means in this context, let me explain. Basically, when I’m supposed to be “enjoying the moment” something bizarre occurs in my brain – it feels like I’ve extricated myself from my body and am floating, passively watching everything happening from the foot of the bed.  

At the time, I never really had wanted to discuss my experience in a formal way, but it would often come out as a jagged, hot-teared confession after one too many drinks. Probably, therapy would have been the answer (isn’t it always?) but I started looking for alternative solutions. Inspired by teenage years spent on Tumblr and a summer spent living and working in Berlin, where sex clubs were everywhere, I thought BDSM might be worth a shot. It was a whole culture celebrating around sex, one where all shame was left at the door and pleasure reigned supreme – what if it could help me work through some of baggage, I wondered. And as you’ve probably worked out by the title of this article, it was.  

It was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts.

But the bit that helped me? Well, it wasn’t even the sex. Instead, it was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts. In practice, this means that a) you spend a lot of time talking and b) you kind of know how everything is going to pan out before you even get started. This proved to be a major relief to me after the shock and trauma of what had happened to me previously. It was also a way to begin to slowly trust someone, knowing that we basically had a verbal contract in place, instead of having to dive-in to intimacy. According to my partners at the time, I could never “let go” during sex so it was a huge relief that BDSM presented a judgement-free space of calm and control – even if, as a sub, I was supposedly the one giving up control.

Stripping away BDSM misconceptions

Admittedly, it’s a stereotype that if you’ve suffered from trauma you might gravitate towards BDSM – particularly when you look at depictions of kink in pop culture. Whether it’s the sexual assault that dominatrix Tiffany experiences in Netflix’s Bonding or the childhood abuse that Christian Grey mentions in Fifty Shades of Grey, TV and film writers are more than a little complicit in spreading the preconception, via clunky dialogue, that you’ve got to have suffered trauma to be into kink. But does this have any rooting in real life? Well, away from our screens, research has found a link between child abuse and developing an interest in sadism or masochism later in life. It’s important to remember though that the research here is scant and the link is far from definitive. However, if it does exist, we need to interrogate the ways that we talk and think about this correlation. Rather than viewing a tendency towards BDSM as a “perversion” of “normal” sexuality, what if we saw BDSM rituals as a form of harm reduction, a coping mechanism, or even a type of therapy? 

“While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners.”

And while BDSM might be particularly associated with people who have been through a specific type of trauma, it can be helpful to people of many varied experiences. This is the case of Prish, a 25-year-old non-binary person who gravitated towards kink after a childhood where their boundaries and needs weren’t listened to or respected. Having struggled with codependent relationships as a result, it was through BDSM that they were able to connect with their desires and learn how to communicate them. “While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners,” they explain. “When these needs were listened to and respected, and when my pleasure was centred by the people who were domming me, this was incredibly healing.” Ultimately, being able to express what they had wanted sexually has had a much wider positive impact. “I felt more empowered than I’d ever felt in my whole life; like I finally had some control over getting what made me happy — and I was able to expand this into other aspects of my life.”

Here, we can see that BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media. Instead, it can be a way of working through intimate struggles, both sexual and emotional, with people you trust. While for some, it can be a life-long practice, for others it can be something to dip in and out of or to only turn to in a time of need. And different scenes can have different emotional impacts. This is the case for 24-year-old Hannah who, reeling from a serious breakup, staged a life-changing kink encounter. After being involved in BDSM for several years, she had began speaking to someone she knew from the scene – and they were able to act out a long-held fantasy of hers. “One thing he’d done and I’d always had wanted to try was sexual hunting: think predator/prey play but IRL. We met up for a drink beforehand to discuss boundaries and then the date rolled around for us to do the deed,” Hannah explains.

On the day of the planned encounter, Hannah and her play partner met up in a forest and she was given a “head start” as part of the scenario. This, as she explains, was where an emotional transformation had began. “I felt such an exhilarating rush from being chased, like I was running away from my problems,” she says. “It was like I was stepping out of my skin and my sadness.” As per their agreement, Hannah was then “caught” and they both had sex – leading her to an emotional breakthrough. “He asked me what my ex would think if he knew I was doing this and in that moment, I knew I didn’t care anymore. It was so cleansing and cathartic and it gave me the space and sexual confidence to move on with my life — I’ll always be grateful for it.” 

Both Prish and Hananh’s experiences focus on the emotional aspect of BDSM, its use as a tool that allowed them to reframe negative experiences and mindsets and reclaim power. While this is their personal experience, there’s even a fledgling line of research that backs it up, looking at how individuals are using kink as a form of trauma recovery. And it’s not too much of a stretch to see how BDSM sometimes mimics techniques seen in talking therapy – Gestalt therapy may even include “role playing” sessions, after all. But while we know that BDSM might be helpful to some people, is there a way to seek it as part of a recognised mental health treatment plan?

How BDSM can be therapeutic

Well, we’re a long way off from seeing BDSM listed as a fully-funded alternative therapy on the NHS website. However, some work has actually already started among mental health professionals willing to explore kink and the role it plays in people’s lives and emotional states. There are more and more kink-positive and BDSM-informed therapists out there and, excitingly, there’s even a growing number of BDSM therapists who combine traditional talking therapy with BDSM sessions. Among these is the conscious kink facilitator and qualified counsellor Divine Theratrix, who offers potential clients the option of  integrative talking therapy, somatic healing sessions and animal play classes in order to allow individuals to “get out of their head and into their body in playful and tactile ways.”

The beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves.

Also going by the name Lara, Divine Theratrix was first inspired to use BDSM as a tool in her work after thinking about how the mind impacts the body. “In addition to being trained as a traditional integrative therapist, I embarked on further studies into the relatively new field of somatic psychology and became convinced that touch could be a missing piece for some people on a journey of trauma healing,” she explains. Somatic psychology focuses on how the body impacts the mind, and has been explored practically through somatic therapies which focus on the body. These techniques focus on regulation of your nervous system (which can become stuck in fight or flight responses) and on creating bodily awareness, and are particularly useful for people with trauma or PTSD.

Obviously, there are plenty of different physical aspects to BDSM and you might not have thought before about how these might impact your brain, but they do. Take one of the most commonly known parts of BDSM: impact play, where your skin is hit with a hand, paddle or whip. While it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, scientists have shown that it has a positive impact on kinksters’ mental health – individuals may have lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol after a kink session. 

But if we step aside from all this technical stuff, the beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves. Whether it’s the feel of latex on the skin or the psychological thrill of power play, kink connects us to our bodies, our instincts and allows us to fully embody our emotions. As Lara puts it: “When the mind and body work together, the learning tends to be more impactful.”