A brief stroll down Amazon-strewn memory lane

Take a deep breath. Hold it in. Exhale. Can you taste it? The excitement? That’s Prime Day, baby, and it will soon be upon us. 

The faux Amazon holiday spans 48 full human hours this year, kicking off at 12 a.m. PT on Monday, July 15, with a huge array of deals, deals, deals. And while an opportunity to not pay full price is always cause for celebration, it’s also prime time for some deep reflection and a sincere expression of thanks.

Specifically, that would be thanks for style icon and lover of alive girls Jeff Bezos, who has worked so hard over the past year to prepare his $1 trillion company for this moment. We need to recognize both his and his team’s sacrifices. So, in service of doing just that, join us on a brief and not at all comprehensive stroll down the Amazon-strewn memory lane that is the last 12 months. 

Or, as we like to call them, the non-Prime days. 

1. Bring on the coin

On July 16, 2018, Jeff Bezos officially became the richest person in modern history. This, of course, was coupled with worker strikes, but Daddy Bezos didn’t let that scuff the shine off his penny.

2. Professional trolling

On August 24, 2018 we learned that Amazon employees were being paid to defend the company on Twitter — even bragging about the fact that they are allowed to use the restroom. You know, instead of peeing in trashcans. 

3. Thirty seconds on defrost should thaw your confusion

On September 20, 2018, Amazon put Alexa in a microwave. If that sentence confuses you, you’re not alone. The company announced that its voice assistant would now live in everyday household products, like microwaves, and Rube Goldberg devotees across the globe rejoiced. 

4. Cold as ICE

On October 23, 2018, we learned that Amazon had pitched its facial recognition tech — known as Rekognition — to ICE. This was reportedly done despite employee objections.

5. So long HQ2, we hardly knew ye

On November 13, 2018, Amazon announced that it had selected Long Island City and Arlington Virginia as homes for its so-called second headquarters. People were, shall we say, not too stoked on the idea — forcing Amazon to later throw a temper tantrum and cancel the New York aspect of its expansion.

6. Alexa gossips

On December 20, 2018, it was reported that Amazon had mistakenly sent 1,700 audio files of Alexa conversations to a random customer. In other words, the company took all the recorded conversations of one customer and sent them to a completely different person. 

This would not end up being the worst Alexa-related scandal (see below). 

7. The nudes

Don’t mess with Bezos. That much was made clear after the CEO claimed on February 7, 2018, that the National Enquirer threatened to release nude pics he sent to his mistress. Bezos published a Medium post about the entire thing, giving us such amazing lines as “I love you, alive girl.”

8. Behind the curtain

On April 10 we learned that Amazon contractors were listening to the recordings of people’s Alexa conversations. In some cases, those listening were able to find out where the people lived. 

Pretty icky stuff. 

9. Getting called out

On June 30, 2018, Last Week Tonight aired a segment criticizing Amazon’s labor practices. 

At least one Amazon executive, Dave Clark, was extremely upset that his beloved company was so insulted. How dare you, John Oliver. How dare you. 

10. Fake, fake, fake

Did you know that fake reviews on Amazon surge every Prime day? Well, they do! On July 10 we were graced with the knowledge that you shouldn’t necessarily trust the reviews of your favorite discounted product. 

11. Which brings us back to…

Prime day! Let’s do it all over again. We can hardly wait.