‘Succession’ characters ranked by how crushworthy they are

Image: Peter Kramer / HBO

By Angie Han and Erin Strecker2019-09-25 09:30:00 UTC

It’s a question you’ve undoubtedly wrestled with if you’re watching HBO’s buzzy hit Succession: Am I… attracted… to one of these genuine monsters? 

Oh God, I absolutely am. (If your honest answer is “no, they are all terrible,” congrats on having healthy life boundaries.)

Sniffing out just how embarrassed you should be to find one of these fictional dumbos crushable can be a process: a joke comment to a friend, testing the waters in your Succession group chat, an “ironic” tweet Sunday night, etc. 

That’s where this guide comes in. 

Below, we ranked all the major characters on Succession based on crush-worthiness, from best to Connor. And just to keep this as objective as possible, we’ve included a handy-dandy point system to keep track of each character’s pros and cons. 

Where does your crush fall?

Gerri

• Quite possibly the smartest person on this entire show +50

• Can fix any problem, smooth over any bump, clean up any spill +10

• Had judgment-free phone sex with Roman and then moved on with her life. V chill! +5

• I mean, she’s still a shitty person, just like everyone else here -10

GERRI’S TOTAL: 55

Cousin Greg

• Very tall +5

• Has a fun outsider naiveté that keeps things light +10

• Smart enough to hold on to some blackmail papers in case he can’t trust Tom +10

• But dumb enough to put his blackmail papers in a folder marked “Secret” -5

• Is still pretty horrible, he just seems less horrible compared to everyone else -5

GREG’S TOTAL: 15

Willa

• No amount of money will convince her to be Connor’s girlfriend. Attagirl! +20

• Writes boring plays you may have to watch -10

• And that might give you sand mites(!) -10

• Great dresses, great hair +10

WILLA’S TOTAL: 10

Roman

• Gerri likes him. That’s gotta count for something, right? +10

• Admittedly pretty funny in a tense situation +10

• Has some sexual hangups you’re going to have to deal with -5

• Bullied a kid with a check for a million dollars for the fun of it -10

• Definitely does not know how much a gallon of milk costs -5

ROMAN’S TOTAL: 0

Shiv

• Told her husband immediately after their wedding ceremony that she didn’t think monogamy was for her -10

• Not as smart as she thinks she is -5

• Still, smarter than most of these bozos +10

• Impeccable taste in office wear and haircuts +10

• Terrible taste in men -5

SHIV’S TOTAL: 0

Kendall 

• HE KILLED SOMEONE -100

• Terrible father, husband, brother, friend, business partner, boss, employee -20

• Literally our waking nightmare because of that time he gutted Vaulter -10

• Jeremy Strong is an incredible actor tho +10

• Other people also have this trash crush so you’re not alone +15

• He’s just… so sad, you guys +100

KENDALL’S TOTAL: -5

Nan Pierce

• Played by the legendary Cherry Jones +10

• Her family seems to like her more than the Roys like Logan +5

• However, her family seems almost as terrible as the Roys -20

• Her news organization reports actual news, which is more than we can say for some news organizations around here +5

• Probably loves Downton Abbey for the exact wrong reasons -10

NAN’S TOTAL: -10

Stewy

• Unlike some people, did not have a major business deal derailed by a drug-fueled car accident that led to the death of an innocent person +5

• Made a half-hearted attempt to reach out to Kendall as a friend +5

• Always looks sharp! +10

• Maybe too sharp? Is this like a Patrick Bateman situation? -10

• Also, that major business deal hasn’t actually gone anywhere yet -20

STEWY’S TOTAL: -10

Rhea

• Smart enough to get on a winning train +5

• Sly enough to play both sides in case she picked the wrong train +5

• Maybe hooking up with Logan Roy -5

• Absolutely do not trust this lady under any circumstances -20

RHEA’S TOTAL: -15

Logan

• Extremely rich +20

• Creative enough to invent Boar on the Floor +15

• Powerful enough to make other people play Boar on the Floor +10

• Just watching Boar on the Floor was the worst thing that’s ever happened to us and we weren’t even there -20

• Is so emotionally abusive that you actually start to feel sorry for the sentient dung heaps he calls his children -50

LOGAN’S TOTAL: -25

Tom 

• Dead ringer for Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice +5

• Makes a sincere, if self-serving, effort with Shiv +20

• Broke the Fly Guy code –10

• Two words: human furniture -10

• Not powerful enough to get into the real safe room -20

• Total Wife Guy -15

TOM’S TOTAL: -30

Nate

• Cares enough about the world to work with do-gooder politicians +10

• But you just know he’s the kind of politics nut who tries to get you to listen to a podcast -15

• Someone thinks he’s a lot sexier than he is -10

• Shiv tried playing with him. He broke. -10

• Blatantly cheating on his fiancée -10

NATE’S TOTAL: -35

Connor

• Pretty house in New Mexico +5

• Maybe the dumbest person on the entire show -50

• A generous patron of the arts, at least if they’re arts created by Willa +5

• Keeps asking his escort to be his girlfriend and she keeps turning him down -20

• An out-of-touch billionaire running for president on a whim -500 million

CONNOR’S TOTAL: -500,000,060