Sober or sober curious? Here’s how to date without drinking

With nearly one in five Americans reporting “heavy drinking” during the pandemic, it’s no surprise sober curiosity is becoming a burgeoning lifestyle. Sober curiosity — the idea of not going completely sober, but minimizing drinking — started growing in popularity even before COVID, and now the interest is surging.

This is true of daters, as well. A staggering 94 percent of singles said they’d be interested in someone who doesn’t drink at all, according to eharmony’s 2022 Happiness Index, a survey of 3,000 adults over 21. 

But with drinking so paramount to American dating culture — and social culture as a whole — how can one date while sober or sober curious? We asked the experts and found that it’s about being open about your goals, and setting boundaries.

Why sober curiosity? Why now?

“Alcohol might be having a cigarette moment,” said Heather Lowe, certified life and recovery coach with the International Center for Addiction and Recovery Education (ICARE). “Something that was once looked at as a cool pastime is now being reconsidered.” Lowe is also the president and founder of Ditched the Drink, a wellness company whose mission is to help professionals evaluate their relationship with alcohol. 

Interest in sober curiosity was growing prior to the pandemic, with mixologists serving up mocktails and “Dry January” a household term. Now, after a period of high alcohol use for some, this curiosity is booming: Sales of mocktails soared 33 percent from 2021 to 2022, and brewers told the Washington Post they expect the zero-proof market to only climb further.

According to eharmony, 74 percent of singles have considered restricting their drinking to some extent in the past year, with 21 percent considering not drinking at all.

The drinking decline makes sense, considering the overall emphasis on health and wellness lately. Given the last few years, people are starting to pay more attention to their wellbeing, said Minaa B., therapist, mental health educator, and one of eharmony’s relationship experts. 

Alcohol might be having a cigarette moment.

Mental health is top of mind these days — eharmony reports that 73 percent of singles are more attracted to people doing growth work like therapy — but it’s not just about therapy, said B. This also accounts for what we put into our bodies. Sober curiosity considers how outside stressors like alcohol can impact mental health.

The pandemic also made us more aware of our mortality, said Robin Finley, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Thriveworks in South Carolina, a counseling service for individuals, couples, and families. Folks may decrease their drinking for physical health risks, too.

Beyond health reasons, Finley said there can also be a desire to emotionally connect while sober. “I see a recent value placed on developing a real emotional connection as singles and couples are becoming more aware of the altering personality presentation when engaged in drinking,” she commented.

B. agreed, saying, “Sober curiosity is also coming up in regard to building healthier, more authentic connections.” This is true of connection with others, but also with ourselves and what we put into our bodies. 

How to start sober (curious) dating

You may want to try an app specifically for sober dating, like Loosid. Other general dating apps, like OkCupid and Hinge, also have options to share your drinking status. Last year, Bumble even launched a Sober Badge for people to proudly display their preference. Bumble and Hinge have an option to filter out those who drink, too, but you may have to pay for a subscription.

There’s no harm in mentioning your sobriety or curiosity in your dating app bio, said B. Given the newness of the term “sober curious,” it can even be a conversation starter.

Even if you don’t display your status on your profile, B. recommends openly communicating with your potential partner at some point — say, when you’re in the “getting to know you” stage and conversing about your interests.

Finley echoes this sentiment. “Be open, honest, and confident about the stance that you have chosen to take and the changes you are interested in pursuing regarding use of alcohol relating to dating while sober,” she said, “just as you would with your pursuit to develop any core value or self-improvement.”

Be mindful about where you have a date, B. continued. Bars are an obvious choice in modern dating, but they’re not the most comfortable for sober people. Branch out to environments where alcohol isn’t the focus, like a bowling alley or movie theater. That’s not to say alcohol won’t be served there, but it’s not the primary activity.

You can also go out for strictly non-alcoholic drinks, said Lowe. Go out for coffee, lemonade, or a milkshake. Or try something new: Visit a museum or art show, or take a fitness class together.

Set boundaries with your date — and yourself

No matter what kind of connection you’re looking for, whether a fling or long term partner, respect should be at the root, said B. In this case, respect looks like sharing your boundaries: telling your date about your sober or curiosity, that you’d prefer to go somewhere where alcohol isn’t the focus, or that you’re not drinking regardless of where you go.

Consider different signs and cues about this person’s ability to respect your desires, too. Alcohol is entrenched in our culture, and you may encounter people who are judgmental or may be pushy. Should your date pressure you to drink — or act like it’s weird that you’re not drinking — stand firm in your boundaries, B. said.

If someone crosses your boundaries, there are a few different ways to respond. You can restate your boundary (“As I said, I’m not drinking tonight”) or offer a suggestion for how to proceed (“Feel free to get a drink if you want one, but I’ll stick with water.”). If you’re uncomfortable, you can tell your date that in the moment, or message them later if you prefer. You can also choose to end the date if you’re really not feeling it.

On the flip side, they may be genuinely curious about your choices, and that’s OK. But when someone starts using language that makes you feel bad or tries to change your mind, that’s a red flag, said B. You can respond as above, and/or make a mental note to never see this person again.

Lowe suggests having a plan for dealing with the challenge of declining alcohol in a setting that encourages use. You’ll feel more prepared to say no, and it can help build your own self-confidence. 

But what about keeping your own boundary? If you find yourself breaking them — say, drinking when you told yourself you wouldn’t — first off, give yourself some grace, says B. You’re human, and none of us is perfect. We’re also living in a society where alcohol is ever present, and change doesn’t happen overnight.

Go back to your intention for setting the boundary in the first place, B. suggested. Why do you want to make this change? How will you benefit from not drinking on this date?

You may feel a craving, Lowe said, but you don’t have to give in to it. You can “play the tape forward” and envision how you’ll feel after a successfully sober date (and the morning after, to boot). 

Further, consider what support will make this journey easier for you. You can find an accountability partner, for example, or develop rituals and routines to keep you sober. 

Mindfulness, or getting back into the present, can also help in the moment. “When you’re in an environment like that, your mind is most likely racing with an abundance of thoughts,” B. explained, and grounding techniques help you get “back to reality, back to where we are and back into your body.”

B. offered grounding techniques you can use in a situation where people are drinking around you. Pay attention to the senses. If the bar offers peppermints, pop one and focus on the taste. Listen to the music or chatter in the room. Carry sensory items like a fidget spinner or stress ball, if those make you feel better. These mindfulness practices take you out of your head and back into your body.

Again, mistakes happen. There’s no switch flip that’ll kill your desire for alcohol. Beating ourselves up about it actually keeps us stuck in a cycle of shame and guilt, said B. 

Go forth and date without drinking

Ultimately, dating is about getting to know your potential partners. You want to know their interests, but also — and more importantly, especially if you’re looking for a dedicated partner — their values. 

“People’s interests can change over time,” B. said, “but our core values tend to be our character traits and how we engage with the world. Those things tend to stay the same.” 

She’d encourage you to think about their value system  — meaning, what they currently value in life. This tends to come from our core beliefs and what we truly admire and care about. Sharing core beliefs with your partner builds a foundation for your relationship. If not drinking is an important value to you, you want a partner who understands that, if not one who shares the same.

“Being sober or sober curious is a total superpower and you can view it that way,” said Lowe. “Someone who is willing to do the work to evolve, grow, heal, and transform is exactly the kind of partner most people are looking for.”