Apple says the iPhone will be very useful after the climate apocalypse

In the end times, when the Earth is populated solely by roving bands of marauders, at least we’ll know Apple was able to find new ways to profit from the iPhone.

The environmental nonprofit CDP (formerly the Carbon Disclosure Project) dropped its latest report on Tuesday, and it’s very depressing. The group asked more than 7,000 companies to share the risks and opportunities that come with climate change, reported Bloomberg. And it turns out there is money to be made even in a world ravaged by drought and storms.

Apple notes that “as people begin to experience severe weather events with greater frequency, we expect an increasing need for confidence and preparedness in the arena of personal safety and the well-being of loved ones.”

True! People want to be connected after the tornadoes and hurricanes hit. But then Apple’s response gets, um, a little dark. It says iPhones “can serve as a flashlight or a siren; they can provide first aid instructions; they can act as a radio; and they can be charged for many days via car batteries or even hand cranks.”

Also, the iPhone can be covered in spikes and attached to a stick, in case you have to fight off zombies. And it can be used to crack open nuts and animal bones. 

Don’t worry, Google will also be useful after the apocalypse.  

“If customers value Google Earth Engine as a tool to examine the physical changes to the Earth’s natural resources and climate, this could result in increased customer loyalty or brand value,” wrote Google, according to Bloomberg. “This opportunity driver could have a positive impact on our brands.”

Both Apple and Google have taken steps to fight climate change (although e-waste is still a massive problem), and they can hardly be faulted for taking the time to respond to a survey from an environmental non-profit. Still, it’s just another reminder that the wealthy and corporations could very well find ways to profit in a world transformed by climate change — regular people in vulnerable areas, not so much.