Have non-monogamy labels on dating apps caused more harm than good?

In the last months of 2022, the ethically non-monogamous (ENM) community celebrated a huge win. Hinge, a dating app with 20 million global users(Opens in a new tab), launched their ‘Relationship Types’ feature, allowing their users to mark if they identified as ethically non-monogamous (ENM) or monogamous. Undoubtedly a landmark event, this marked the first mainstream ‘traditional’ dating app to make conscious strides towards inclusivity for the ENM community since OkCupid allowed polyamorous couples to link their profiles in 2016(Opens in a new tab). Speaking to Mashable, a Hinge spokesperson commented: “We believe that everyone looking for love should be able to find it which is why we’re constantly looking at new ways to support daters’ needs.” However, the move sparked an increase in anti-ENM discourse on social media and brought up new questions asked about the virtual future and place for ENM people.

It is no secret to anyone that the online dating world is a minefield. The ever-changing landscape and unwritten rules mean that meeting someone is increasingly feeling like a futile mission. This is something felt tenfold by those of us who identify as ethically non-monogamous. In an overwhelmingly monogamous society, finding other ENM people, or at least those open to the possibility of venturing into ENM, is notoriously challenging. ‘Alternative’ dating apps such as Feeld have been monumental in enabling ENM people to meet other non-monogamous people, as well as opening discussions with those who weren’t previously familiar with the term and identity. 

What are non-monogamy labels on dating apps?

Though apps such as Feeld and #open are typically the greatest places for ENM people to date virtually, that doesn’t mean that the community are using these more tailored apps exclusively. I, and nearly every ENM person I know, have historically used dating apps such as Hinge — I actually met one of my current partners there almost a year ago. Using dating apps not typically catered towards ENM people brings yet another layer of complexity to the online dating quagmire. Similar to DTR convos, with every person you are speaking to, you know that at some point, you will need to have the conversation about ENM. With an extremely large portion of users on these apps identifying as monogamous, these conversations typically result in an ‘unmatch’ or — arguably worse — a positive, enthusiastic response, only for the person to discover further down the line that the reality wasn’t what they were expecting. Those new to ENM are, more often than not, pulled in by the promises of unlimited sex with unlimited people, without factoring in the complex emotional work that comes attached. 

Myself, and other ethically non-monogamous people I know, now solely use apps such as Feeld for this reason. Effy Blue(Opens in a new tab), ENM relationship coach and co-host of the Curious Fox(Opens in a new tab) podcast added the following, “Similar to specific apps tailored to sexual orientation such as Grindr and Her, having specific apps tailored to relationship orientation such as Feeld would certainly make it easier for ENM folks to find like minded partners. These apps can offer safer spaces where folks are less likely to have to explain or defend their relationship styles.”

The comments ranged from the inane: calling ENM people “unattractive…weirdos” and “freaks,” to saying that we were “selfish” for going “after single people.”

Why are people criticising the ENM community?

On these apps, communication is inherently open from the get-go due to their ENM and kink community focus. Even for those on the app not identifying as ENM, most go into conversations with an open mind. Having not used Hinge for a fair amount of time, I first became aware of the Relationship Types feature when I started seeing a marked increase in comments on Twitter and TikTok about ENM people on Hinge. The comments ranged from the inane: calling ENM people “unattractive…weirdos” (Opens in a new tab)and “freaks(Opens in a new tab),” to saying that we were “selfish” for going “after single people(Opens in a new tab).” It was unbelievably frustrating to see such an inadvertent backlash to something that felt so pivotal and forward-thinking. Even as the only ENM person in my social circle, the conversations hadn’t bypassed my close peers. When discussing the topic a friend asked me, “Isn’t it just easier for you guys to use Feeld?” Of course it is. But is it really fair to sideline non-monogamous folks?

Ethical non-monogamy is undisputedly on the rise(Opens in a new tab), with Feeld citing that users who expressed ethically non-monogamous desires rose by 242 percent between 2020 and 2021(Opens in a new tab). The introduction of Hinge’s new feature coincides with an ever-present societal shift. As with the increase in visibility in any part of society, more criticism is always likely to follow. One critique that has been ever prevalent on social media is the aforementioned perception that by being on traditionally more monogamous dating apps, the ENM community are actively seeking out single, non-monogamous people. Leanne Yau, founder of polyamory education page Poly Philia(Opens in a new tab) noted, “The point is, non-monogamous people date other non-monogamous people usually. So the whole thing about us taking people off the market isn’t even true as we’re dating completely different markets.” Further to this, a large proportion of the social media backlash, as well something prevalent in conversations I’ve been having in real life, have centred around misuse of the ENM label. “There is this conflation of non-monogamy and singlehood, or irresponsibility, or casual commitment phobic behaviour,” adds Yau. “There’s nothing wrong with being single, there’s nothing wrong with casual relationships…but it’s not the same thing as being non-monogamous; which is about forming multiple long term commitments, whether it’s sexual or romantic.” It’s easy to see how people would presume these labels are being misused, or that the ENM community are commitment-phobic(Opens in a new tab), but this purely shows an evident lack of education around the day-to-day realities and lived experiences of ENM people – and how much more work there is to be done to challenge these preconceptions. 

When discussing the topic a friend asked me, “Isn’t it just easier for you guys to use Feeld?” Of course it is. But is it really fair to sideline non-monogamous folks?

The ENM community has always been present on Hinge, but typically under the radar. The newfound visibility of the community on popular dating apps will surely be a reason for some of the negative discourse and monogamous people feeling as though their space has been invaded. “I don’t think there’s been this polyamory takeover. I think that people are more likely to notice breaks in patterns than what is following the pattern. Even if they see 100 profiles that say monogamy and then one profile that says non-monogamy, they’ll lose their shit,” comments Yau. During my personal stints on the app, ENM wasn’t something I mentioned in any of my prompts. I instead preferred to discuss this with someone I was already speaking to, on my own terms. One person’s experience of ENM doesn’t necessarily replicate another’s. The change from Hinge not only allows people to add ‘monogamous’ or ‘ethically non-monogamous’ labels, but to add comments to this, allowing users to go into the specifics of their situation.

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There are lots of different ways of practising ethical non-monogamy such as: polyamory (multiple simultaneous romantic relationships), throuples (three people being in a romantic relationship) and relationship anarchy (not adhering to a definition, opting to create their own values). ENM isn’t one size fits all. Every single person will have a different situation, different boundaries and different priorities. The ability to add additional context enables a level of transparency and open communication to replicate that of other apps and, most notably, encourage visibility for the ENM community.

Before the addition of the Relationship Types feature, I was seeing the same volume of complaints on social media about how the ENM community were hard to spot on more traditional dating apps. “It [the new feature] establishes that non-monogamy is a thing now, and it helps make it easier for people to look for each other, which is ultimately the point of dating apps,” Yau adds. “I’m pretty sure non-monogamous people don’t want to be wasting their time with people who want monogamy either.” There has always been an irreverent discourse surrounding the ENM community on dating apps, it just seems this is now directed in a slightly different direction.

Dating apps are for everyone.

The ENM community should be able to use whatever dating apps they wish. Dating apps are not, and have never been binary in their use. Even more ‘alternative’ apps, such as Feeld, have wide swaths of grey areas in the communities inhabited within it; the usership ranging from those in the kink community looking for people with similar kinks, paired couple accounts looking for a third, or solo-poly people wanting to dip their toe into the ENM sphere. Although Hinge’s move may seem minor for those outside of the ENM sphere, it was major. Hinge has never been an app to do things by the book, and this feature was undoubtedly a bold move. A Hinge spokesperson told Mashable: “While most of our users are looking for monogamous relationships, 15 percent of Gen Z and LGBQTIA+ daters are either exploring the type of relationship they want or are specifically interested in non-monogamy.”

“It’s important for the more generic apps to be inclusive by accommodating the broad spectrum of orientations and preferences we all have when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.”

The spokesperson continued: “Last year, we introduced Relationship Types so that our daters are able to connect with the people who have the same dating goals as them. By giving daters a dedicated space to be upfront and clear about the type of relationship they are looking for, they experience less frustration after matching with others and spend more time getting to know each other’s interests and values.”

By nature, Hinge will never have the ENM community at the forefront of the business model, nor should it. However, by Hinge being unapologetically inclusive in the diversification of their offering, their client base within the ENM community will inevitably expand. As Blue told me, “it’s important for the more generic apps to be inclusive by accommodating the broad spectrum of orientations and preferences we all have when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. This will prevent segregation and provide people with more options to choose from. Diversity and inclusion across all areas of society is essential for us to thrive as a collective.”  

Will this be the big take over some social media voices are implying? Of course not. As we have seen, the increase in visibility for the ENM community will inevitably encourage critics and resentment. However, for every tweet or TikTok made, there will be a new conversation happening, encouraging open unprejudiced education. The more conversation, the more stereotypes quashed. The addition is not only pivotal to the ENM community, but indicative of a wider societal shift towards non-traditional relationships.