How to masturbate (and learn more about yourself while you’re at it)

I was introduced to the concept of masturbation at eight years old. I would wrap my legs around one another, squeezing them together, and it felt good. My mother told me that was masturbation, and the way she said it spooked me. The way we talked about it felt wrong, so I felt compelled to quit. It wasn’t until my 20s that I felt like trying again. 

Not masturbating until your 20s, or even later, is normal, especially for people who’ve been made to feel ashamed of self-love. But, take it from me: Learning to get comfortable touching yourself is worth the trial and error. If you’re ready to masturbate, or just want to make your masturbation experiences better, sex experts suggest making it an event for yourself, looking into products that can help with self-pleasure, and understanding the benefits of masturbation.

How to shake away the shame

There isn’t a set age when you’re supposed to begin masturbating. In her experience, Erica Smith, a sex educator who specializes in purity culture and “late bloomers,” says boys tend to be introduced to masturbation in their teens more often than girls. “I have worked with clients raised in conservative religious environments who did not even know that girls and women could masturbate,” says Smith.

So why the gap? Moore blamed societal pressures and stigma surrounding female sexuality. “These create barriers that discourage women from being honest about and engaging in solo sexual adventures.”

I also thought I was weird for masturbating as a girl. I shook away the shame when I realized that it wasn’t abnormal to masturbate. Once you give yourself permission (because you don’t need anyone else’s), the shame may slowly melt away. It may also dissipate as you practice more and get used to the feeling of touching yourself. 

How to masturbate when you’re ready

When you start masturbating, there’s no need to get fancy. “The best first tools for masturbation are our own fingers! That way, we can learn speed, pressure, and depth,” says Edwina Caito, the head writer and a podcast and video host for sex toy blog Bedbible.com.

Now whether you use a sex toy or your fingers, lube can help. Personally, I’ve found the best results with water-based lubricant since it’s easy to wash off and can be used with either fingers or toys. I recommend the Organic Glide Natural Water-Based Personal Lubricant for $12 or the K-Y Ultragel Premium Water-Based Lube for $5. The type of lube you prefer may take some testing. Whether it be silicone-based or powder — it’s up to your preference!

Before you squirt on the lube, wash your hands, particularly if you may be engaging in masturbation with a partner. According to Sexual Health Scotland, a government public health program, “it’s very important also to wash your hands carefully with soap before touching your genitals, mouth or eyes if you’ve been masturbating your partner, or touching your partner’s genitals, mouth or eyes if you’ve been masturbating yourself.”

Once you get comfortable with your digits, you can graduate to sex toys. Caito recommends ” a silicone bullet or mini vibrator for beginners that love clitoral stimulation. They are compact, easy to hide, and travel well.” For people with penises, an easy beginner toy to use is what’s called a pocket device, which you slide the penis into. They provide both friction and help you get a good rhythm going. Once you get past the “pocket pussy” nickname, especially if you’re not into pussy, it actually is a great tool for beginners. 

Masturbation is very personal, and the key is going at your own pace. If you want to have some clothes on, do it. If you want to be fully naked, do it. As for your surroundings, setting the mood can have a plethora of options. For me, I like to turn off the lights and use candles because I know I get more aroused at night. Before you do the deed, look inward and find out what turns you on. Then implement those elements as much as you can into your room. It’s a personal event for yourself.

What are the benefits of masturbating?

But if you’re still questioning the benefits of masturbation, Dr. Robin Buckley, who has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, noted it helps one understand “what sexual practices work best for their body.” And knowing what you like when you’re alone can help when you’re with a partner, too. As for people with vaginas, masturbation can improve reliance on oneself, which is another societal hurdle they must jump. In addition, “orgasms are also a wonderful method to relieve stress, so masturbation becomes part of a woman’s toolkit in terms of self-care,” Buckley said.

Talking about masturbation is one way we can all destigmatize it. 

Liz Klinger, CEO, and co-founder of smart vibrator company Lioness, said having these conversations be part of our education system is also important. “I think more comprehensive sex education (including discussions about masturbation, pleasure, consent, and so much more) can help people learn that masturbation can be a great option for exploring sexually, learning more about yourself, and learning what you like.” Masturbation also helps us redefine sex. For heterosexual couples and beyond, it isn’t just penis-in-vagina intercourse. Kissing, snuggling, foreplay, and anything in between are all part of one’s sexual journey.

By the time I decided to try my hand at masturbation again after the eight-year-old me was shamed, I got in my head over and over. I was in my 20s and stressing over the little things. I stressed out about the atmosphere, whether the temperature was too cold and my fingers would freeze up. I worried about my pace, if my fingernails weren’t clean enough, even if I scrubbed my hands for five minutes straight. I’d take what felt like hours deciding on a vibrator or my hands, only to give up when I couldn’t get in the mood.

It wasn’t until a night alone in my studio apartment, the rain was lightly tapping my window, and I had candles burning around the room. I listened to soft music and let my mind get lost in it. I took my time, realizing there wasn’t a clock or a quota I needed to fulfill. I had the night to myself, and let my hands glide down. I used a combination of my fingers and a vibrator, and it was heaven.

I finally felt like I didn’t need a partner to fulfill me sexually, that I could do that myself. The way I felt afterward was untouched by any other experience I’ve had with myself. 

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